2015 – what a year!
I started January unemployed, on the verge of training for my first marathon, and with no real idea of what the future held for me or what I wanted it to hold. As someone who has always set herself impossibly high standards and relied on traditional measures of success such as grades, this was really unnerving.
I felt worried about nearly everything and had a roster of ways to blame myself for things not being ‘perfect’. I was terrified of not getting a job, terrified of getting the wrong job, terrified of injuring myself and not being able to run the marathon, terrified of having to run the marathon and just all around worried that I was letting myself and other people down by not having everything ‘sorted’.
However, 2015 has been nothing if not a total roller coaster ride from start to finish. There have been downs with injuries and failed job interviews x approx. 1,000,000 each. Not to mention getting into the swing of a very challenging first job.
However, there have been massive ups also. I ran the London Marathon and time qualified for the following one, I got a job and I’ve found blogging as a hobby, a journal and a way of discovering the most amazing opportunities and relationships ever.
Running the London Marathon was easily the best decision I’ve ever made, and whilst the day in itself is important I have to be honest and say that the finish line, the Cutty Sark, London Bridge and all the other icons fall into the back of my mind when I think about the marathon. Instead, what stands out is getting back into my training after injury and getting through the emotional wall of wanting to give up on it all. I remember that feeling of not caring what I looked like because of how impressed I felt about what my body could now do. I remember feeling desperate to stop at mile 23 but carrying on along Lower Thames Street – a stretch of road that still makes me feel emotional for how I felt on the 26th of April.
I’m so proud to say that I no longer recognise the nervous wreck consumed by a fear of failure because in 2015 I did fail. I failed countless job interviews, had multiple injuries, I had people write wonderful comments on my blog and instagram and had people write some incredibly upsetting things, I went on bad dates but also went on good dates that just weren’t meant to be. However, the point is that I failed and that was just okay. The world kept turning, my feet kept running and I didn’t stop smiling. If anything I started smiling more.
I learned that the answer to feeling shit about not getting a job is not to get one, but to feel gracious and understanding because that opportunity was not meant for me. I learned that I didn’t do well on a run out of good luck, but out of hard work and I started to respect myself more for my ability to pull through. I’m still working on this one but I’ve started to understand that what someone thinks of me might not have anything to do with me at all. In a nutshell, I’ve learned to let go of what doesn’t matter and be brave. As cheesy as it sounds I’ve learned to look for what I need in life in myself rather than other people and external factors. I’ve learned to be my own inspiration.
2015 has been a roller coaster, but it has been amazing and I can’t wait to get my teeth into 2016. Thank you so much to everyone who has followed and supported me this past year – you will never know much it has meant to me as I muddled my way through marathon training and life.
Here’s to an even better 2016.